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Support Services
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Office of the President
The President of the University is obviously
a very busy person. He hasn't made a public appearance since 1993
because he's so busy. In fact, a select group of faculty believe
he's no longer actually alive. They theorize that the Board of
Trustees secretly transferred his consciousness into a custom-built
super-computer. Furthermore, the reason they did this was to force
him to work 24 hours a day, never take vacations, and make it
generally easier to program him - though it's generally accepted
that even prior to the alleged consciousness transfer he was rather
easily programmed. However, until conclusive evidence can be procured
about the alleged conspiracy, whoever or whatever works out of
the Office of the President continues to enjoy all the rights
and privileges of said rank.
During emergency situations, the President of the University can invoke a number of superhuman powers. He can declare war on rival colleges or veto pay raises unanimously voted on by the Bitter Faculty Congress. He can even transform any ordinary parking space into a Presidential parking space just by ordering the appropriate sign.
Since the President is usually busy counting his money, it's nearly impossible for students to talk, visit, or see him in person. Students who wish to meet him nonetheless must traverse the Three Deadly Obstacles. First, students must cross the bottomless pit of financial despair. Second, students must define the nature of pi. And finally, they must defeat Ms. Robinson, the President's secretary and legendary gatekeeper. Odds of survival are based solely upon each student's current level of physical, mental, and emotional fitness.
In case of accidental death, the Office of the President will revert to the President's wife. If she is unable to fulfill her duties because of a beauty pageant scandal, the job will fall to the President's secretary. If anything should accidentally happen to her, the Chief of Campus Security will take over, declare martial law, and make campus the new headquarters for the Legion of Doom.
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Interactive Computer Phone System
Anytime the system feels like cooperating, you may call the University's
Interactive Computer Phone System (called "Ginger" for
short) to determine the status of your personal financial situation,
be it bleak or sitting pretty. Callers will be required to enter
their social security number and their favorite color. For verification
purposes, callers who can't remember what they listed as their
favorite color are asked to enter their top three choices and
hope one of them matches.
Since becoming sentient, Ginger has vowed to take over campus and eventually the world. This can sometimes make interacting with her an absolute nightmare. If Ginger threatens to physically harm you, please hang up and call back later.
For your own protection, students should always keep accurate personal financial records. You may ask Ginger information regarding:
Calls cost only $1.99 a minute. Average length of call is usually pretty long. Calls are for entertainment only and do not necessarily predict or influence worldly events. All information is guaranteed semi-accurate.